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When someone in your family has an addiction, life is a maze of hard questions:
And the hardest question of all: Is my loved one beyond help? The question of when to give up on an addict (or anyone who has a major problem and no interest in solving it) is torture when this is someone you love, and you can’t bear the thought of standing back and letting them destroy themselves.
The answer to when to give up on an addicted person—at least for the time being—is one every individual family must find for themselves. It hinges on the answers to other questions, which we will look at in this article to help you decide what to do.
Albert Einstein reportedly said, “The definition of insanity [an inability or stubborn refusal to face up to reality] is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” If it got you nowhere the first 100 times, it’s willful stupidity to think the 101st try will finally work.
That said, it’s not always easy to distinguish between irrational persistence and the potentially effective “try, try again” approach. The primary difference is that the latter approach is making progress—however incremental and hard to measure—while the former approach is simply getting stuck in a rut. Attempts at convincing your family member to give up addiction are probably “insanity” if:
In such cases, it’s not the addict you need to give up on so much as your own approach to the addiction. Which brings us to the next question:
Much as we’d often like to pin the full blame (and the full responsibility for changing) on one individual, addiction disorder nearly always means the whole family is “sick,” i.e., dysfunctional. Besides active enabling, other family members may contribute to the problem by:
Before deciding whether to approach the addicted person again or give up on them, take a look at yourself. You don’t have to delve deep (yet) into your motivations and hang-ups, but do consider initial changes that might make your loved one more amenable to seeking treatment.
If you’re willing and able to approach with empathy, and to make it clear you are ready to do whatever is needed to genuinely help the situation, don’t give up on your loved one yet. Most people are willing to consider even difficult improvements when they feel someone cares enough to listen, to try to understand.
However, before you go forward alone with the determination to be empathetic this time, ask yourself honestly:
Many people with addicted family members have psychological “addictions” of their own: to defensiveness, to wanting their own way, to evading personal responsibility. Whatever your intentions, broaching the “you’re an addict” topic may do more harm than good if:
In such cases, it rarely matters how determined you start off that this time will be different. In the likely event that your loved one gives you any argument or pushes your buttons, your brain’s programming will trigger the same old emotional reactions, and you’ll find yourself responding in the same old ways. (It’s not all that different from the drug-addiction symptom of repeatedly swearing this was the last time, only to again lose control at the next whiff of wine or twinge of stress.)
If there’s any doubt in your mind that you’ll be able to stay rational and empathetic throughout a confrontation, it’s time to give up. Not on the addict, but on the idea you’ll be able to handle the confrontation alone. Go to the next question:
Consider:
If you don’t already know at least one person in the “professional” category, find one as soon as possible. You’ll all need professional counseling in any case (more on that in a moment), so you might as well take the first steps right now.
If the addiction problem has existed for any length of time or is related to serious family-dysfunction issues, you may have to go beyond simple confrontation and plan a formal intervention: a carefully organized meeting, complete with objective evidence, to make clear to your loved one that his or her “little problem” is doing major harm. When things are at the “formal intervention needed” stage, you’ll need the help of a professionally trained intervention specialist. And you’ll need to choose carefully whom to involve in the actual intervention: bring only the most stable, understanding, trustworthy people you know.
The tough question of whether to give up on an addict is best never answered in the affirmative until:
(Of course, if addiction-related behavior is physically endangering you or dependent members of the household, you’d better move out first and consider other aspects of “giving up” once you’re in a safer place.)
If, having considered all the above, you feel you shouldn’t give up on your loved one:
If you feel you have no choice but to give up on an addict:
For further information on how addiction affects personal relationships, see the following articles:
How to Help an Alcoholic Friend
How to Know When Helping Is Hurting
How to Plan a Family Intervention in 10 Simple Steps
What if the Intervention Fails?
