The More You Get the More You Want
“When you can stop you don’t want to. And when you want to stop, you can’t.”
– Luke Davies
Life is on the upswing now. I did manage to learn a lot, got my degree and became a licensed Health Practitioner. I conducted phone consultations with clients from home so I was free to continue drinking all day long. What a perfect job for me! I really knew my stuff and was good at it, too. How ironic that I was helping others get healthy. If I only could have followed my own advice!
To me, I was doing fine now (delusional thinking at its height). I was no longer feeling the painful emotions from the losses in my life. The pills and even the vodka were all for legitimate medical purposes… I really needed help to cope and it’s not like I was buying drugs on the street corner. The chronic pain from my back injury was real so my doctor gave me what I needed.
It all made perfect sense to me. I felt better now.
Alcoholics eventually end up creating their own self-made prison in isolation and it wasn’t long until I just wanted to be left alone, too. The few friends I had left, stopped calling. My boyfriend and I were arguing a lot and I saw him as an interference to my new at-home lifestyle. I cared for him but I clearly enjoyed the company of my booze and pills much more. And, they finally supplied me with the courage I needed to end our relationship.
I kept on adjusting my work life and income to keep up with my growing inability to function. Financially, I sold my nice Lexus SUV for an old beat-up Kia and enough cash to keep me going for another six months. What a stunning example of expert financial planning!
If you’ll remember, I started with a percocet and wine in the evenings, which soon turned into a Percocet with vodka in the mornings. Pretty soon it became my entire meal plan. As my anxiety continued to worsen, I learned to add in Soma muscles relaxers and Xanax as well. As always, the valium continued to lull me to sleep at night. Then, my vodka with a splash of soda became a constant companion. From morning till bedtime, I was never empty-handed.
That is the way addiction always goes. It is progressive by nature.
Eventually, there was an end to this madness and I was lucky enough to live through it. When I finally hit my rock bottom, I walked into my first AA meeting for help. The more rooted I became in sobriety, the more confident and free I became. When I consult with a client now I really enjoy getting to know them and being of real service to them. What a shift that is from where I used to be.
The good news for me is that emotional sobriety is progressive too. The more you get, the more you want.
I was isolated for so long that I could barely remember how to speak with others socially. But with more time in sobriety I became comfortable with friendships again. I’m more grateful for the people in my life than ever before. When I learned to accept myself, I came to see others in a non-judgmental way. I now see more of the whole person without the flaws. I even learned how I am a co-creator with a higher power and no longer cling to my victim status. But that’s another story.
“The first step toward getting somewhere is to decide you are not going to stay where you are.”